Monday, September 30, 2013

Almost 6 Months.

I did not know what to do with you. Honestly. I did not know to hold you, I did not change your first diaper. I did not burp you. I did not put your first dress on. Nope.

I never even felt the intense love-at-first-sight that new mothers rave about. I only felt fear. Anxiety. Panic. Intense panic. Loud screaming inside my head.

Then we came home. I completely gave up.I had never taken care of an ant before. How in the holy heaven's name was I supposed to look after a newborn !!

I just fed you. Thats all I did. Round the clock. Every 3 hours. While recovering from the huge injury my body just went through, with lots of support from family, I learnt.

Slowly. I changed your diapers. I changed your clothes when you spit up on them. Had a diaper leak. Learnt to hold you properly. Learnt to effortlessly feed you while playing on my phone. Held you and sang to you. Rocked you while telling you the stories of Sri Ramayanam every night.

Took crazy pictures and admired them while you slept. Because I missed you. Yes, I missed you when you were sleeping right next to me. I cannot explain that. Don't ask me to. You never smiled, never knew me, never said anything. Just lay there and absorbed the world around you. You sometimes looked like you knew me, knew everything, like an old soul. But I was never sure.

Then, one day, suddenly , you smiled. It was like the sun came out of the clouds. The whole family spent every minute trying to make you smile. Then you said "goo", and we would all die to make you say goo. Then you said gee, geeyah and laugh loudly like the biggest joke was cracked.

My parents were like different people around you. My sister's whole world revolved around you. You became a piece of everyone's heart. And you were a different baby around your dad. Smiling, cooing, reaching out to touch his face. All drool worthy cuteness.

The panic slowly faded, the anxiety slowly reduced. I could pick you up like a pro. Change a diaper in 10 seconds (without getting pee-ed on), found the secret formula to make you sleep (wooot).

Then you rolled over.  Exactly on your 3rd month birthday. Admired your hands. Had that look of "eh! look! I have suchhh pretty hands!!". then, you tried finding your legs. And..they went right into your mouth. Such cuteness.

Suddenly, you started to swim around the house. Became more mobile and did funny things everyday! Today, you moved the crib bumper down and peeked into the room to see if we are around you. You wake up in the middle of the night roll over to Balaji and say apppppah. Yes, Apppppah was your first real word. You kept saying it, in different octaves, kind of like feeling that word in your mouth..

Btw, you love labels. Every product's label gets promptly examined and tasted by you.Carpet, Crib bumper, Boppy Pillow, soft toys...anything and everything :P

And yes, I pick you up at every whimper you make, I never allow you to cry it out (not judging other parents who chose this method....we do what we have to...). I try to fulfill every need of yours. Ensure you are clean, dry, well fed, and always dressed for a photo shoot :P I also chose to cloth diaper. I chose to co-sleep. I chose attachment parenting. I chose to stay home with you, atleast for the first year of your life to care for you. If other people judge me for "spoiling" you, they can go fly a kite.You are one happy and easy baby and that tells me, I am very lucky and doing something right !!

That intense love that they speak about is finally here. I wake up each morning thankful for you. All the terror, panic and anxiety have subsided, but will never go away though. Its the hardest thing to live in constant self-doubt. But I suppose thats normal and every new (and seasoned) parent lives like that.

You know what?

Its my job to be worried about you. I will always be.
Its my job to love you unconditionally. And I always will.

Happy 6 months baby Rangan. 6 more to go...and then....CAKE!!!!!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Now Introducing.....

Hellow World from Zombie-land to normal-land!

Nice to be back to normal world with natural sunlight and normal people on the roads doing normal things. Nice to be back..after a life-altering event.


Rangan V Balaji (a) Venkatesh , was born on April 2, 2013 @ 1.19 PM at the El Camino Hospital in Mountain View, California. He weighed 7lbs and 6 oz and measured 20inches long. His was a normal delivery.

A harrowing 35.5 hours of labor, cracking jokes, laughing, walking, yogic breathing, crying (sobbing?), praying, and many many loops of Vishnu Sahasranamam playing on full volume, he came screaming into this world.  The nurses @ El Camino hospital now can chant Vishnu Sahasranamam better than any of us!

I have seen GOD in so many people in the last 5 days. My Husband, My Mom, a fantabulous team of nurses and doctors @ El Camino hospital. I will remember this pain and the happiness for life. 

Due to prolonged labor, he was at a risk of a bacterial infection and had to be in the NICU for a couple of days on medication, but now has been discharged from the hospital and is doing very well! We are back home now and are slowly getting to know each other.

He is sooooooooo cuddly, alert, responds to Balaji and me so well. Sleeps EXACTLY like his dad and is stubborn EXACTLY like his mom! If he gets annoyed with anything, he lets us know. By "us", I mean, people who are in the radius of 100kms around him.

Though we are woken up every 3 hours, we are overwhelmed, underslept, well-fed (thanks to mom), and very dazed. If we miss taking your calls, please assume we are either begging and pleading the baby to go to sleep or fast asleep ourselves. We will return your call when we can, forshure! We know you mean well and are happy for us. Many many thanks!!

All we need now, are your blessings and prayers for Rangan to have a happy, healthy and a long life. And also pray that we be good sensible parents who can give him all the love, nourishment and good education to be a great citizen of the world.

As I write this, my dad and sister are cuddling the baby and having such a sweet time with him! Thank God for a fabulous support system @ home! 

That, brings us We have very very few of them, since we are overwhelmed by the roller-coaster and haven't thought about having fun yet. We will take a few and share with you soon.

Thanks again and Peace!

Monday, March 25, 2013


Hellow World!

I am almost a mommy. Well, been ready to be a mommy for the past 39weeks and 4 days, but then, this little man is taking his own sweeeeeet time to show me his cute face.

Parents, Sister and Husband look at me constantly ask... anything new? As if I will go into labor without telling them and have this baby and not show them.:-/

We thought he will come on Amavasya, it came and went. We thought he will come on Tiruvadirai, it came and went. We thought..punarvasu? It also came and went.

Now to wait for the awesomest day of the year @ Srirangam, Panguni Uthram. Pretty please?? 

I am as terrified of labor as I am excited to see my little one. I have heard some major major nasty stories by now. Almost everyone shares their birth stories, down to the last most minutest of detail of how many ounces of blood they lost. How many cms they dilated, when they asked for epidural, if the threw up while delivering, how many c-sec stiches they had, how long they nursed their babies...Eeeeeeks.

Ofcourse its a natural process, but please, spare me the details else I am having nightmares!

Btw, I cant help, but to wonder, why is God's hardware design process so bad?

Cant I just go to the bathroom, throw up and Lo and behold, a baby comes out of the mouth and falls into the sink? Just imagine, how cool will that be?!!

While I let my imagination run wild, see other people's baby pics, touch my baby's clothes and just..............wait.

Pray for me. See you all on the other side.  

Wednesday, January 30, 2013


In the next 8 weeks or less, champ will be here. Someone asked me at the prental yoga class yesterday, "Wont you miss being pregnant?", well, I guess not. I feel so done with pregnancy already. I cant wait for the baby to be here in real life. For me to hold, kiss, dress and change.

I have probably experienced EVERY symptom in the book. Faced a new challenge everyday. From nausea, sleeplessness, extreme fatigue, sleeping all day long going without food, forgetfulness, some serious cravings, cramping, heartburn,  and many many more!!

I am so done.

I think I will miss the little fluttering when the baby somersaults and kicks though. It feels awesome sometimes and hurts sometimes. This is probably the only feeling I want to remember, and sadly it cannot be captured by any smart phone or a DSLR.

Its going to be one crazy roller-coaster when he actually arrives. I know that too. And being so afraid of that roller-coaster, I wish he remains inside. But I feel so heavy and clumsy, that I cannot wait to get him out of the stomach and fit back into my jeans and get back to living my life.

But then, once he is here, I will spend every second of my life worrying and thinking about him.  Like a piece of my heart walking outside my body. He is probably safer inside?

 Bittersweet it is. And will be, for the rest of my life.


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Hello 2013

And, another year comes to an end. 2012, a year full of surprises, shocks, joys, denials and eventually acceptance.

Finished a half-marathon.
Quit my job.
Moved halfway accross the world from Bangalore to Sunnyvale, CA
Became a Vedics volunteer and helped be a small part of Velukkudi Krishnan swamy's awesome Bay Area visit.
Took a major major life decision of becoming a parent and the little one is expected on March 28th 2013. Balaji and me are superbly excited and cannot wait for him to come!
Experiencing the highs and some super lows that come with Pregnancy.
Organised Valakappu and Seemantham, entirely on our own and made it alive :)
Can read Tamizh slowly now. 2013 will be much better. I promise myself!
Music, writing, books and running took a major backseat this year.
Can wear a madisaar on my own. #WIN
Travelled to Mangalore, Auroville, Local SFO, Lake Tahoe, Mendocino, Santa Cruz.

2013 should have some pretty simple goals:
Learn madi aacharam and Nityanusandhanam.
Be a good mommy and try not to drop the baby down. These wodden floors..sigh.
Sing more.
Write more.
Shed pregnancy weight and get back to shape.
Get a part-time job.
India trip. Yay!

Hope the year is filled with loads of joy and good health!

Have a wonderful 2013 folks!