I did not know what to do with you. Honestly. I did not know to hold you, I did not change your first diaper. I did not burp you. I did not put your first dress on. Nope.
I never even felt the intense love-at-first-sight that new mothers rave about. I only felt fear. Anxiety. Panic. Intense panic. Loud screaming inside my head.
Then we came home. I completely gave up.I had never taken care of an ant before. How in the holy heaven's name was I supposed to look after a newborn !!
I just fed you. Thats all I did. Round the clock. Every 3 hours. While recovering from the huge injury my body just went through, with lots of support from family, I learnt.
Slowly. I changed your diapers. I changed your clothes when you spit up on them. Had a diaper leak. Learnt to hold you properly. Learnt to effortlessly feed you while playing on my phone. Held you and sang to you. Rocked you while telling you the stories of Sri Ramayanam every night.
Took crazy pictures and admired them while you slept. Because I missed you. Yes, I missed you when you were sleeping right next to me. I cannot explain that. Don't ask me to. You never smiled, never knew me, never said anything. Just lay there and absorbed the world around you. You sometimes looked like you knew me, knew everything, like an old soul. But I was never sure.
Then, one day, suddenly , you smiled. It was like the sun came out of the clouds. The whole family spent every minute trying to make you smile. Then you said "goo", and we would all die to make you say goo. Then you said gee, geeyah and laugh loudly like the biggest joke was cracked.
My parents were like different people around you. My sister's whole world revolved around you. You became a piece of everyone's heart. And you were a different baby around your dad. Smiling, cooing, reaching out to touch his face. All drool worthy cuteness.
The panic slowly faded, the anxiety slowly reduced. I could pick you up like a pro. Change a diaper in 10 seconds (without getting pee-ed on), found the secret formula to make you sleep (wooot).
Then you rolled over. Exactly on your 3rd month birthday. Admired your hands. Had that look of "eh! look! I have suchhh pretty hands!!". then, you tried finding your legs. And..they went right into your mouth. Such cuteness.
Suddenly, you started to swim around the house. Became more mobile and did funny things everyday! Today, you moved the crib bumper down and peeked into the room to see if we are around you. You wake up in the middle of the night roll over to Balaji and say apppppah. Yes, Apppppah was your first real word. You kept saying it, in different octaves, kind of like feeling that word in your mouth..
Btw, you love labels. Every product's label gets promptly examined and tasted by you.Carpet, Crib bumper, Boppy Pillow, soft toys...anything and everything :P
And yes, I pick you up at every whimper you make, I never allow you to cry it out (not judging other parents who chose this method....we do what we have to...). I try to fulfill every need of yours. Ensure you are clean, dry, well fed, and always dressed for a photo shoot :P I also chose to cloth diaper. I chose to co-sleep. I chose attachment parenting. I chose to stay home with you, atleast for the first year of your life to care for you. If other people judge me for "spoiling" you, they can go fly a kite.You are one happy and easy baby and that tells me, I am very lucky and doing something right !!
That intense love that they speak about is finally here. I wake up each morning thankful for you. All the terror, panic and anxiety have subsided, but will never go away though. Its the hardest thing to live in constant self-doubt. But I suppose thats normal and every new (and seasoned) parent lives like that.
You know what?
Its my job to be worried about you. I will always be.
Its my job to love you unconditionally. And I always will.
Happy 6 months baby Rangan. 6 more to go...and then....CAKE!!!!!