Thursday, January 27, 2011

the conflict within

He stood gazing at the blue sea wearing a simple T-shirt and shorts. Very cold winds hitting him. He did not care. He felt nothing today. This was the place he had seen her for the first time. Her was leaning against the bridge and looking at the sea, deep in thought, as he suddenly turned on his right and seen her. He had fallen for her then and there. He had thought , it just must have been her lovely eyes and smooth and silky hair blowing against the wind. But it was much later that he realized, that it was a connection much deeper than her looks. There was something very strong about her. A quiet strength that she carried herself with. It was as if fate had got them closer somehow, when he figured she worked in the same building that he did. He used every tip in the dating rule book to get to know her and finally propose to her. She had happily accepted. They had been inseparable. She later confessed, she had been strongly attracted to him as well. They always laughed when they were together, spoke a lot about themselves, their background, liked the same sort of music and art. They felt at peace with one another.

Fate always has another rulebook altogether. She was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer and had been in her advanced stages.

The fight to cure her was all a blur to him now. As he stood and watched the waves from up high on that bridge. The doctor visits, the second, third and fourth opinions, watching her disappear into scary looking machines and coming out looking pale. The pain of Chemo. The nausea. The bouts of depression. The loss of appetite. Pleading with her to eat to get back her strength. Seeing her without hair and eyebrows. It had all been too much to take.

Then suddenly, the treatment was over. She asked him to take her to the bridge for a walk. He clearly remembered the last time they walked together on the bridge, oddly silent. Each lost in their thoughts. Each wanting to hold the other one's hand, but afraid to do so. Everything had then been just fear. Fear of being alone, fear of death, fear of moving on. Suddenly she grabbed his hand by force. Wanting to hold on forever. Looked up, said "I am scared. Thank you for being there". She looked oddly peaceful that day. He now wondered, why she had said "Thank you" and why she did not say "I love you". Was it a sign?

They had their doctors visit scheduled for the next day. With a grin, her doctor had told her that she had survived it. She had fought cancer and she had won the battle. The knot in his stomach eased. He felt light as she cried softly beside him with relief.

But they learnt something else that day. She had survived. But the relationship did not. Instead of bringing them closer, the illness had separated them from each other. They knew it deep in their hearts. Afraid to say it aloud. Afraid to face it. He told her he was going for a walk. And he came along right there to the very same spot where he had seen her for the first time. He felt that in his gut as he watched the sea from the bridge. He loved her, but then maybe he did not. He did not hate her though. He just did not know what he was feeling. Empty perhaps. Zapped out of energy. He was thankful she was going to live. But unsure if he wanted to live with her. For some reason, he did not want to go back to her. He just felt resigned by such strong opposite emotions, that he did not know where to go. He stood gazing as the sky turned orange and felt love for her. The sky then turned pink and he felt anger at himself that he could not go on loving her. The sky then turned black and then...he did not feel anything.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Dance..over the wekend!

The pencil marks might go away, the music will remain.