I have always wanted to live alone. Just by myself. With nobody to answer to. Nobody to care about. Nobody to care about me. These days, it seems to be a lot of effort to smile and talk. I just want to walk around with my head bent down. Not waving or smiling at anyone. Just want to get lost in a crowd of people. Unnoticed.
I feel like that sometimes even when I am surrounded by people. I tune them out. I smile and talk on auto-pilot. I just want to be left alone.
I am alone now. In a very pretty hotel suit. With a coffee in my hand, a nice view of the swimming pool from up above. I am Alone and yet surrounded by my family. Mom dad on phone, my husband on messenger and aunt and kids on voip. Friends calling the hotel and chatting to keep me company.
I always for some reason think, I won’t miss anyone. And I will be fine by myself. But i was wrong. I miss everyone. So much that it’s like physical pain. I walk around with a knot in my stomach. It refuses to loosen up. For once, I don’t want to be alone. I want to go back to the warmth of my mom and dad. I want to go back home and punch my sister, pull her nose and hair. Yell at her for being a pest. Bug my friends. Miss the world famous PJ's of the husband and yearn for the comfort he offers with his presence.
I think I learnt something new about myself. I hate being alone.
PS: I am in the States and if you want to catch-up, drop me an e-mail.