Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I sit in the front seat.

I buckle in the baby in the rear facing carseat. I leave a bunch of toys and books with him. I kiss him and tell him, I will sit in the front. With daddy.

I do. I sit in the front. Sometimes I drive, while my husband sits next to me.

We hold hands sometimes.

We talk. A lot.

We fall silent and get lost in our own thoughts, a lot too. And we love our companionable silence.

We play music, a lot.

We share a cup of Coffee.

I sometimes read out directions to him. Totally wrong. We get lost many times. Giggle about them sometimes, argue sometimes.

That shared drive time is precious to me. As is my baby. We are in one car. If he has a need, I will address it.  But I really do not see the need to sit with the baby every single moment of a car-ride (75% of which he is asleep. Duh.).

If you are reading this, and you are a new first-time-mother, I just wanted to tell you that it is okay, to let your baby out of your sight , for a few moments. Its refreshing and a great way of re-connecting with your better-half. 

My baby is precious. Yes. So is my time with my husband. And I love and treasure our car rides so much. So. Much.

Thursday, May 8, 2014


Do you know that feeling?

When you want to tell many stories. But the words do not come.
When you want to sing a song, and you forget the words?

Like you want the sun to shine, and its a stubbornly cloudy morning.
Like you want to dunk your feet in water and there is no way to get to the sea.

You want to paint like there will be no tomorrow, but have lost the colours?
You want to talk to a dear friend, and they are not answering the phone?

Its a scary place to be and I am scared.
Do you know that feeling?

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Happy Birthday Son

Dear Rangan,

Its so hard to write, right now. I cannot believe its been one year, since I held you for the first time (and counted your toes and fingers, just to be sure, you know?). I want you to know, how much Balaji and I love you. Its so hard to tell you how much you mean to us and what joy every milestone and every smile bring. Your really are the light of your grandparents eyes. You really are the joy of all of our family.

I was a wonderful mom, before I had you. After I had you, I have no idea what sort of a mother I am. Everything felt so alien and so raw and so intense, that I suppose , I was (am) not equipped to deal. But I did learn. I did put every effort. I gave my all. And I always will.

You taught me infinite things about myself I never knew existed. For that, I thank you.

Being sleepless, fatigued, hungry, tired were nothing compared to being in constant self-doubt. If I was harsh, or treated you with any less kindness or respect than you actually deserved, I am sorry.

I pray everyday, that you lead a beautiful life.

May you sleep with contentment and peace in your heart. May you wake up with a smile and lead a day, that is filled with kindness, honesty, integrity and lots of love.

God bless you Son and Wish you a very very happy 1st birthday.

We love you, and you will never know, how much.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

2013 , a flashback

1. Had a baby. That by default made me an expert on pregnancies, lactation and babies in general. Gave lots of free advice to 4 new moms who had babies after me.
Enough said on that front.
2. Travelled to LA and Cancun,Mexico. Major fun was had and good food was eaten.
3. Became a kickass tambrahm cook.
4. Converted baby to a foodie and a Sanjay sub fan. #win
5. Made many many new awesome friends and will always remain thankful to Facebook secret groups for that.
6. Soon to be PC Sriram's assistant at the rate at which photos are being taken.
7. Mastered many rhymes.
8. Killed my blog with my own bare hands, hence reviewing 2013 in the month of Feb 2014.
9. Got incredibly lucky on the husband front. Five years since B and me have been married. He stumped me by being the awesomest new dad in town. No wonder that baby is crazy about him. Woke up every night along with me to soothe the baby. Made and washed.bottles and allowed me a few extra hours of precious sleep. Total rock star husband and dad material ! 

Have a good year , and Oh, if you have any questions about babies, you know whom to turn to.


Monday, September 30, 2013

Almost 6 Months.

I did not know what to do with you. Honestly. I did not know to hold you, I did not change your first diaper. I did not burp you. I did not put your first dress on. Nope.

I never even felt the intense love-at-first-sight that new mothers rave about. I only felt fear. Anxiety. Panic. Intense panic. Loud screaming inside my head.

Then we came home. I completely gave up.I had never taken care of an ant before. How in the holy heaven's name was I supposed to look after a newborn !!

I just fed you. Thats all I did. Round the clock. Every 3 hours. While recovering from the huge injury my body just went through, with lots of support from family, I learnt.

Slowly. I changed your diapers. I changed your clothes when you spit up on them. Had a diaper leak. Learnt to hold you properly. Learnt to effortlessly feed you while playing on my phone. Held you and sang to you. Rocked you while telling you the stories of Sri Ramayanam every night.

Took crazy pictures and admired them while you slept. Because I missed you. Yes, I missed you when you were sleeping right next to me. I cannot explain that. Don't ask me to. You never smiled, never knew me, never said anything. Just lay there and absorbed the world around you. You sometimes looked like you knew me, knew everything, like an old soul. But I was never sure.

Then, one day, suddenly , you smiled. It was like the sun came out of the clouds. The whole family spent every minute trying to make you smile. Then you said "goo", and we would all die to make you say goo. Then you said gee, geeyah and laugh loudly like the biggest joke was cracked.

My parents were like different people around you. My sister's whole world revolved around you. You became a piece of everyone's heart. And you were a different baby around your dad. Smiling, cooing, reaching out to touch his face. All drool worthy cuteness.

The panic slowly faded, the anxiety slowly reduced. I could pick you up like a pro. Change a diaper in 10 seconds (without getting pee-ed on), found the secret formula to make you sleep (wooot).

Then you rolled over.  Exactly on your 3rd month birthday. Admired your hands. Had that look of "eh! look! I have suchhh pretty hands!!". then, you tried finding your legs. And..they went right into your mouth. Such cuteness.

Suddenly, you started to swim around the house. Became more mobile and did funny things everyday! Today, you moved the crib bumper down and peeked into the room to see if we are around you. You wake up in the middle of the night roll over to Balaji and say apppppah. Yes, Apppppah was your first real word. You kept saying it, in different octaves, kind of like feeling that word in your mouth..

Btw, you love labels. Every product's label gets promptly examined and tasted by you.Carpet, Crib bumper, Boppy Pillow, soft toys...anything and everything :P

And yes, I pick you up at every whimper you make, I never allow you to cry it out (not judging other parents who chose this method....we do what we have to...). I try to fulfill every need of yours. Ensure you are clean, dry, well fed, and always dressed for a photo shoot :P I also chose to cloth diaper. I chose to co-sleep. I chose attachment parenting. I chose to stay home with you, atleast for the first year of your life to care for you. If other people judge me for "spoiling" you, they can go fly a kite.You are one happy and easy baby and that tells me, I am very lucky and doing something right !!

That intense love that they speak about is finally here. I wake up each morning thankful for you. All the terror, panic and anxiety have subsided, but will never go away though. Its the hardest thing to live in constant self-doubt. But I suppose thats normal and every new (and seasoned) parent lives like that.

You know what?

Its my job to be worried about you. I will always be.
Its my job to love you unconditionally. And I always will.

Happy 6 months baby Rangan. 6 more to go...and then....CAKE!!!!!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Now Introducing.....

Hellow World from Zombie-land to normal-land!

Nice to be back to normal world with natural sunlight and normal people on the roads doing normal things. Nice to be back..after a life-altering event.


Rangan V Balaji (a) Venkatesh , was born on April 2, 2013 @ 1.19 PM at the El Camino Hospital in Mountain View, California. He weighed 7lbs and 6 oz and measured 20inches long. His was a normal delivery.

A harrowing 35.5 hours of labor, cracking jokes, laughing, walking, yogic breathing, crying (sobbing?), praying, and many many loops of Vishnu Sahasranamam playing on full volume, he came screaming into this world.  The nurses @ El Camino hospital now can chant Vishnu Sahasranamam better than any of us!

I have seen GOD in so many people in the last 5 days. My Husband, My Mom, a fantabulous team of nurses and doctors @ El Camino hospital. I will remember this pain and the happiness for life. 

Due to prolonged labor, he was at a risk of a bacterial infection and had to be in the NICU for a couple of days on medication, but now has been discharged from the hospital and is doing very well! We are back home now and are slowly getting to know each other.

He is sooooooooo cuddly, alert, responds to Balaji and me so well. Sleeps EXACTLY like his dad and is stubborn EXACTLY like his mom! If he gets annoyed with anything, he lets us know. By "us", I mean, people who are in the radius of 100kms around him.

Though we are woken up every 3 hours, we are overwhelmed, underslept, well-fed (thanks to mom), and very dazed. If we miss taking your calls, please assume we are either begging and pleading the baby to go to sleep or fast asleep ourselves. We will return your call when we can, forshure! We know you mean well and are happy for us. Many many thanks!!

All we need now, are your blessings and prayers for Rangan to have a happy, healthy and a long life. And also pray that we be good sensible parents who can give him all the love, nourishment and good education to be a great citizen of the world.

As I write this, my dad and sister are cuddling the baby and having such a sweet time with him! Thank God for a fabulous support system @ home! 

That, brings us We have very very few of them, since we are overwhelmed by the roller-coaster and haven't thought about having fun yet. We will take a few and share with you soon.

Thanks again and Peace!

Monday, March 25, 2013


Hellow World!

I am almost a mommy. Well, been ready to be a mommy for the past 39weeks and 4 days, but then, this little man is taking his own sweeeeeet time to show me his cute face.

Parents, Sister and Husband look at me constantly ask... anything new? As if I will go into labor without telling them and have this baby and not show them.:-/

We thought he will come on Amavasya, it came and went. We thought he will come on Tiruvadirai, it came and went. We thought..punarvasu? It also came and went.

Now to wait for the awesomest day of the year @ Srirangam, Panguni Uthram. Pretty please?? 

I am as terrified of labor as I am excited to see my little one. I have heard some major major nasty stories by now. Almost everyone shares their birth stories, down to the last most minutest of detail of how many ounces of blood they lost. How many cms they dilated, when they asked for epidural, if the threw up while delivering, how many c-sec stiches they had, how long they nursed their babies...Eeeeeeks.

Ofcourse its a natural process, but please, spare me the details else I am having nightmares!

Btw, I cant help, but to wonder, why is God's hardware design process so bad?

Cant I just go to the bathroom, throw up and Lo and behold, a baby comes out of the mouth and falls into the sink? Just imagine, how cool will that be?!!

While I let my imagination run wild, see other people's baby pics, touch my baby's clothes and just..............wait.

Pray for me. See you all on the other side.